Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
