I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize