When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
