I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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