I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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