can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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