mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
