Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
time to smoke my breakfast
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
