you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
