I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
