I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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