where am i from again
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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