sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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