is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
