Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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