I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
