Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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