I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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