i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
