I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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