Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
