I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
