Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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