my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
where am i from again
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
