I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
