today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
