I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
