I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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