dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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