I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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