youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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