i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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