I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize