Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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