my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
