please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
