This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
