so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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