I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
