Dude my mom stole all your condoms
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
