I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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