3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
