come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
3 2 1 whiskey
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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