Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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