Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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