I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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