Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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