It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
