Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
