Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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