The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
