Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
