somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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