i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
