I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
