What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How external is "for external use only"?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
