I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
