Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
