now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
